Every so often, if you are anything like me, you get those moments when you read something or hear something and it pretty much smacks you in the forehead as the most obvious thing ever.  And then you spend the next few minutes berating yourself for not having realised this fact sooner?!  Sound familiar?

Well, that’s exactly what happened to me when I read a book recently in which one of the main things the author shared was that to be truly happy with yourself and the world around you, you had to let go of the need to be perfect.  Why?  Because perfection is unobtainable.  And so if you are always working towards something that you can never ever achieve, you will only be greeted with lots of disappointment in yourself, feelings of failure or not good enough, and worst of all, a sense of never being able to fulfill expectations.

 

Understand Where/How it Started

Your need to be perfect came from somewhere.  You may have “caught” it from one of your parents.  You may have used it as a strategy to avoid being bullied.  You may have been hiding/coping with something that was going on at home.  It might have been an attempt to be accepted by a parent, friend(s), boyfriend, or boss.  Whatever the reason, there will be something that you can track it back to.

And the longer it’s been going on,  the more it’s become your way of life.  You go out your way to have everything be just right.  There are no flaws in your work.  Your house is spic and span.  You spend hours at the gym.  Or maybe you limit yourself to a very strict diet.  You are nicer than nice to the people around you.  It takes you 20 photos to finally be able to put one up on FaceBook, Instagram or similar.  Sound familiar?  But what is all this costing you?

 

Reality Check

How exhausted are you?  How much do you want to shut yourself away and have a break from it all?  How close do you feel to the people nearest and dearest to you?  Are you afraid of letting them down?  Having them catch you out?  Find yourself in a cycle of failed relationships – friendships and romantic?  Scared of opening up and letting people know what you really think and feel?  Worried they might not like you anymore?

Be really honest with yourself here.  Give yourself permission to stop for a moment.  As scary as it might be, think about what would happen if you stopped doing the thing(s) that you do in your pursuit of perfectionism.  Would the world end?  Probably not.  Would the people closest to you stop loving you?  Probably not.  Would you be less of a person?  Probably not.

 

Baby Steps

My guess is that there are lots and lots of things you are doing to appear perfect.  So the first thing is to choose which one you are going to start letting go of.  Start small.  Maybe it’s letting the bathroom go an extra day before cleaning it.  Or maybe it’s making a list of everything you do for the benefit of others.  Or maybe it’s saying no instead of your usual yes.

Have an honest conversation with yourself.  And then pick someone close to you who you can have that kind of conversation with too.  Chances are you have heard all the tales of their woes, but have held back on sharing yours.  It’s now time to open up and to tell them a bit more about what goes on inside that head and heart of yours.  Choose to be a little vulnerable.  It’s going to be scary, but I guarantee you will get a lot of love back in return if you choose the right person to open up to.  It might be a best friend, a partner, or a parent.  It might be all three as you gain more courage to have more conversations.

 

Perfectionists are Never Happy

And what you’ll notice is that perfection is the enemy of happiness.  Being a bit more vulnerable, a little bit more imperfect will make you more human.  And people relate to humans.  Watch your friendships evolve.   Your relationships deepen.  Your exhaustion lessen.

As a reformed perfectionist, this is something I have to remind myself of daily.  I remind myself to open up to my friends in the same way as they open up to me.  I recognise that I lost relationships over not letting him into what was really going on and pretending everything was OK.  I take the time to determine what good enough/acceptable is and then aim for a little higher than that.  And I’m happier as a result.  My friendships run deeper.  My work is manageable within the hours I’m paid to do it because I’m not spending the extra time making it perfect.  And my romantic relationship….well that’s still a big open question mark.  But I know I’ve learned and will be looking to put it into practice when the opportunity arises.

 

A Word of Caution

Perfectionism is different from striving for your best.  Striving for your best carries positive energy with it and pushes you forward in the pursuit of doing the best you can do.  Perfectionism carries negative energy because it just can’t be done.  And you may find that some people in your life slip away.  They won’t be able to connect with the “real” you.   And that’s OK.  Looking back on it, they were probably the people that exhausted you most anyway.

 

Over to You

Have I struck a chord?  Take a deep breath and decide what you want to do.  If you want some help to let go of your perfectionist ways, contact me to enquire about your free 1-hour coaching session to experience what coaching is about.  I wish you luck in letting go.

 

Photo credit: Pewari / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA