It might be a family member, a neighbour, a colleague at work, or your boss. It doesn’t matter who it is, the fact that you don’t seem to be seeing eye-to-eye with them is probably having an effect on you in some way or another.
My guess is that regardless of how much or little that effect is, you would prefer it isn’t there. So here are some things to think about if you are looking to get to a better place in your relationship.
Decide What’s Important
Chances are that you have been locked in this “feud” for a while. You’ve maybe even forgotten how or why it started and find yourself now just looking for things to disagree on. But what has that done to you? Do you recognise yourself any more? Do you dread bumping into them? Or do you find yourself relishing the next opportunity to lock horns with them?
Here’s something to think about – what are you getting out of not seeing eye-to-eye with this person? If the honest answer to this question is something along the lines of exhaustion, frustration, anger, stress, or a sense of banging your head against a brick wall, then it’s maybe time to re-evaluate the situation and the role you are playing in it.
If you recognise any of these feelings I’ve just listed, you are shrinking into a shadow of yourself and living this relationship from a place of dis-empowerment. But what if you could take back some control again? What if you used it to reflect on yourself and understand how you can grow above it and changing the role you play in the relationship. Often, our nemeses are put in our way so we can learn something about ourselves, grow, and move on.
Take Control of What You Can
Here’s something that might be difficult for you to accept: You are one half of this “feud”. As the sayings go, it takes two to tango, and there is no smoke without fire. But here’s the thing – you cannot and do not have control over the other person. And as much as you try, that will always be the case. However you do have control over yourself – your thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviours, and perceptions. So you need to give up the expectation that they need to change, and examine what you can do as one equal half of the equation to move this relationship to a better place.
Mindful Behaviour
The more observant and subconscious part of you will have noticed that you are caught in a bit of a vicious cycle with this person.
- Whatever they do or say (or don’t do and don’t say), you perceive and interpret that in a particular way.
- As a result of that perception/interpretation, you react in a particular way that is displayed in your words, actions, and behaviours.
- Based on those words, actions, and behaviours, they perceive things about you
- which in turn determines what they say or do.
And as you can see we are back at the beginning of the cycle.
Let me give you an example of this at play:
You’ve been on a couple of dates with someone and you haven’t heard from them in a couple of days. You start to think that they are maybe not interested any more and you send a text message that you’ve cleverly crafted to get some kind of response from them.
You don’t hear back and you send another, and then another, and maybe even another. Before long, you have sent about 10 messages in the hope of getting some kind of response – in fact you’ll settle for any kind of response.
Your “date” finally gets a moment to breathe – they’ve been caught up with a deadline at work and barely slept in the last 48 hours but the work is done and they’ve come home, poured themselves a large drink and looked at their phone to find a stream of ever-pleading messages and ruses to contact you. Now they are thinking “OMG – this person is neurotic!” and decide not to respond to you because it’s just too much to have to deal with.
So notice what pattern you are in and what pattern you are creating. Notice what you are doing and how they are reacting to it. Notice what they are doing or saying, or not doing or saying, and how you are reacting to it.
Decide What You Want to Do Next
Now you are noticing the vicious cycle you are locked in, it’s time to decide what you want to do about it. Maybe it’s about changing your reaction to their words or behaviours. Brush it off. Push back. Ask them if they really meant to say that or sound that way?
Maybe it’s about choosing to take the high road and not rise to their bait. Maybe it’s about focusing on what you can influence rather than what you can’t. Sit on your hands and stop sending those text messages. Stop making up why they might or might not be doing what they are until you have more facts. Busy yourself with more fulfilling and interesting things. Remember that people are busy and don’t put as much thought into things as they maybe need to. Focus on your growth and what you can learn from the roles you are playing in the relationships around you. Don’t give the power of your self-perception away to people who don’t deserve to influence it.
Over to You
Hopefully some of what I’ve written here has resonated with you and you are now ready to re-write that relationship to be something that works better for you (even if that means calling it a day). If you are struggling with situations like this in the workplace, you might be interested in my six module course on “Go From Job Adversity to Career Prosperity“. Contact me if you would like to set up a brief conversation to learn more.
Photo credit: SteveD. / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND