I get it. You want to be the perfect ________ (mother, father, employee, manager, friend, wife, husband, sister, brother). You want to be liked. You want to be there for everyone else.
So you show up as all these different versions of yourself. Perceptions and ideas of who you think you should be in each of these roles. Your ideal self. The person you would like everyone to think you are and who you project as yourself – your representative. Whether you are at an interview, on a date, or with a friend, you play the part of you as you want to be seen in their eyes.
And then there’s your real self – the person you really are. The core of you. The person who may begin to show up several months into dating, or a few years into marriage, or over years of friendship. The person you are around the people you trust most. And if not with others, then definitely the person you are behind closed doors.
And the problem is that for the most part, there is a gap between your real self and your ideal self. And it’s exhausting. You’re tired. You don’t know who you are any more. You’ve lost your identity, your sense of self. You’re busy, but don’t achieve much. You’re living a version of your life that doesn’t fulfil you.
How do you change it? How do you show up as the real you and feel more fulfilled in your life?
I believe it’s about daring to stop, pause, take some time, and give some space to listen to your own thoughts and ideas, your heart. To tune them in rather than tuning them out. To be brave enough to think and feel and then bold enough to do something about it. To turn up the volume on your intuition and not be talked out of it by others.
Step One: Clear the Clutter
Ever noticed that everything we rely on in our world today has been invented somewhere over the last 300 years? Everything we call normal, that we rely and depend on today are modern inventions. Phones, cars, computers, tablets, cookers, microwaves, freezers etc. And they didn’t come out of nowhere. Someone somewhere took the time to have an idea, worked on it, collaborated with others, and invented something that radically changed how we live, dress, travel, and function everyday.
And we now live in a generation where we are busier and more connected than any other generation has been and it is dumbing down our creative ideas. We think because we are busy, we are being effective. Are you really being effective? Or is your life just cluttered with stuff that demands your time that stops you from being truly effective? 80% of the things you do are spent being busy in areas that are not effective. Meaning only 20% of your time is spent doing things that you are really gifted at, passionate about, creative at.
What would happen if you were to switch that around – give 20% of your time to the things you have to do and give 80% of your time to the thing you were created to do?
Step Two: Claim Back Your Most Valuable Resource
When time is gone, it’s gone. You have used something that is irreplaceable. Your most valuable resource in life is your time. Not money, not possessions, but time. And if you are like most people, you probably don’t do as good a job as you could do at managing it well.
It takes time to be creative. As a human being, you were meant to be creative. “But Jenny, if I had time, I’d be creative” I hear you say. And in the absence of time, and in the clutter of your life, that email, that notification, that “mummy, can you…” or “honey, would you….” is someone else wanting something from you, and it’s taking you away from something you were created to do and are gifted at.
So think of the things you are doing that someone else could be doing. Start small. If you are doing anything that someone else could do, it might be time to rethink. Maybe it’s about getting your kids to do some more chores around the house. Having your man iron his own shirts. Sharing the cooking responsibility. Always ferrying other people’s kids around with your own rather than sharing it evenly. Delegating parts of your projects that you struggle with to a colleague that does it quicker or better. And being prepared to be delegated to for something that sits in your strengths.
If you are doing all of this yourself, chances are that you are not reserving yourself for your best use. You are missing your life, your purpose, your excitement, your enthusiasm. Every moment you spend here on earth is a gift. Every idea your have is a gift. Every opportunity you come across is a gift. Every person you meet is a gift. Don’t ignore them or belittle them because you are “busy” being ineffective.
Step Three: Believe in Yourself First
One of the hardest things to do is to acknowledge and appreciate what we’ve got. We look for people who acknowledge what we have and we love people who see stuff in us that we like. The problem here is that you won’t get very far in life and happiness based on other people’s thoughts.
We spend so much time managing what other people think about us that we don’t have any time to think for ourselves. We want others to think well of us, and in doing so, we give our power away to other people. We entrust them to give us something that we ought to be giving ourselves.
Maybe it is not their ideas that need to be reshaped, but your own. You are where you are due to the thoughts you think. So what do you need to be thinking about yourself, your family, your friends, and your life to maximise who you are and live your life to the fullest? When you then meet someone, you are not hungry and desperate for them to tell you something because you took the time to feed yourself before you met them.
If you can get the clutter, guilt, shame, busy, and worry out of your mind, there will be room for ideas. Ideas are the seeds that you can plant in your mind once you believe in yourself, your own potential, and what you have. And these thoughts are good.
If you don’t believe in the thoughts you think, then you will spend your life searching for someone who does believe in them. And that, in my opinion, is a tragedy. You have put your destiny in the hands of someone else. Pay close attention the the lyrics in Beyonce’s “Listen” to hear what that can do to you.
Your Turn
What’s the idea inside you that wants to live, to be fed, to be let out? What’s the greatest idea you’ve ever had? Anyone who left you in your journey will miss it. That’s cool. They didn’t deserve to be around to witness the greatest part of you, your destiny, and your creativity. It took all of your yesterdays to get to where you are today.
There’s something that you can do, that you can think, that you can create that can radically change your life. And if you want some help identifying what that might be, contact me to book your first coaching session for free and let’s see what great ideas we can begin to uncover.
Photo credit: Olivia Alcock / Foter / CC BY