Maybe you have been out to get everything you can get and notice how downtrodden the people are around you?  Do you walk all over them, raise your voice a lot, get angry, and do most of the talking?  Do you find yourself quite lonely when you really need someone to listen?  Is there anyone out there who really knows the real you?

Or do you spend most of your day going along with what others say and request, feeling  like you just never have enough time to do anything/everything you want, only to be short and ratty with your kids/friends/partner at home?  Do you feel like crawling under the duvet to escape from all the requests so your to do list might have a chance in getting shorter rather than longer?

Being assertive does not come easy for most of us. We are not predisposed to be assertive – it is a skill we must learn.  And to get good at it, you need to practice.  So when you are sitting in a meeting, or dealing with situations in your relationships with any of your friends and loved ones, and wonder why others seem to get a better deal than you, fear not, because you have it within you to become more assertive and to make meaningful changes in your life if you go into it with the right intentions.

Our Human Tendencies

The reality is that you are a beautiful human being who is predisposed to being either aggressive or passive. This is your fight or flight response that’s hard-wired into your brain to react to threats that may come your way.  And because we live in a civilised society where compliance is rewarded, some people have managed to combine these two modes into a passive-aggressive one, where they are overly nice and compliant for the most part, and swing to aggressive behaviour when they just can’t suppress their feelings any more.

And while passive and aggressive modes can be useful responses in a variety of situations you find yourself in, passive-aggressiveness has a tendency to pretty much lead us straight into trouble due to the unpredictability of our explosive aggressive response.  How many times have you seen someone as a calm and quiet person only to be around them when they exploded their pent up aggression on someone or something that didn’t deserve it? Recognise yourself in that scenario maybe?

So what’s the alternative? This is where assertiveness comes in.

Assertiveness: Your Middle Ground

Being assertive, as I mentioned earlier, is a learned skill and behaviour. If you were lucky, your parents taught you how to assert yourself as a result of their parenting style, and the behaviours they modelled themselves. For many of us, this might not have been the case, but the good news is that it is never too late to learn.

And it is an important skill to learn.  For men, women, and children, there is an art to master when it comes to being assertive that can pave the way to greater success, happiness, and fulfilment.

3 Reasons Why Assertiveness Works

Here are my top 3 reasons why it pays to be assertive in your life and in your career:

1. YOU PROTECT AND IMPROVE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-IMAGE

Assertive people stand up for themselves by being respectful of the people around them. They don’t allow themselves to be put down by others and will seek and question the validity of feedback they receive so they can focus on improving what holds value for them. Whereas passive people can quickly get themselves into a downward spiral of destructive thoughts about themselves and their abilities, aggressive people wouldn’t even attempt to solicit feedback from others who they don’t consider as important or influential, nor do they tend to consider that there is room for improvement.

2. IT BUILDS YOUR CREDIBILITY AND RESPECT FROM OTHERS

Being able to say “no” and offer alternative solutions, or managing the expectations of others by clearly and concisely articulating your point of view or concerns both in a work and social setting not only raises your credibility when you follow through with your promises, commitments, and responsibilities, but also allows you to clearly communicate your boundaries in a way that both gives and invites respect. When you set boundaries, people know where they stand with you and where you stand with them, which can make life much easier to navigate.

3. IT ALLOWS YOU TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE

Living a life from a place of assertiveness allows you to maximise your chances of making win-win decisions.  What do I mean by that?  Well, passive people tend to lose out on a lot of things because they don’t speak up and express their ideas, wishes and desires.  This is a lose-win situation.  Aggressive people don’t generally particularly care what the ideas, wishes and desires are of others because for them, it is always about winning.  This is a win-lose situation.  You can see in both these situations, there can only be one winner and one loser.

Assertive people look for the win-win option.  This requires expressing thoughts, ideas, wishes, opinions and desires in a way that puts the cards on the table and invites the same from the other party.  By being aware of what’s needed, assertive people are in a position to get the best from most situations.  They will ask for the information they need to be able to make the best decision given the circumstances, and thus taking control of their decisions, choices and experiences while minimising any negative impact on the other side.

What’s Your Choice?

Can you imagine how different your life could be if you chose to speak up and share your ideas and opinions in a way that respected others?  Or to tell your friends and loved ones what you need from them and ask them what they need from you?  I believe that becoming assertive is far easier when you are clear about what you want and don’t want.

Share Your Insights

How have you found the middle ground?  What experiences have you to share of assertive moments in your life?

Your First Stepping Stone

My Stepping Stones to Happiness programme may just help you in your journey.  Contact me to arrange your first coaching session for free.